(no subject)

[marta_bee]

I'm checking in. This week has predictably been about surviving day by day. I was really depressed for a few days and still have periods where I'm kind of floating mentally and having a really hard time concentrating. It's been a little less in the last day or two, and I've been watching a little Doctor Who. Also starting to follow the news again.

I won't burden you all with specifics, but from my perspective it continues to be quite hard. The difference is I'm finally getting to a place where I'm not just overwhelmed and in shock, I'm also getting motivated to do something. Made contact with a local immigrant aid society this weekend and I'm talking to them about how I can volunteer.

The Kid also continues to be a hard thing. Loving someone who's in pain always is. I'm planning to fly up and see her in late December. Right now I'm just trying to keep her centered and help her focused on school so she doesn't blow her exams. It seems stupid to be concerned about that, but she's got applications in at a few UK schools so continuing to do well will mean more options for her.

And there's really very little else going on. I'm putting one foot in front of the other which seems like quite enough. Trying to be judicious in how much news I take in. Petting Bilbo quite a lot more than normal. Hope you all are doing okay.

PS- I know I didn't reply to all the comments last week. But I did read them and really enjoyed your words. Thank you!

Comments

[erulissedances]

Sometimes you have to pull the rock over the doorway. I'm sure we all understand.

I'm glad you're actually doing much better, because you are! No doubt. As for The Kid, school seems to be a stress factory for everyone. If she can keep her sights set on the end goal and fill her calendar up with the in-between dates of import, she'll do fine. It's also hard to be separated from family during the holiday season. I always relished the alone time, but I'm a rather insular person. *hugs*

- Erulisse (one L)

[marta_bee]

Thank you! I think we all need the space to do whatever we want or need to do for ourselves. Hope you're doing that too.

[erulissedances]

To get that time, I awaken long before dawn to allow my meditation time. That helps me a LOT. Then getting my exercise either at the pool or on the treadmill also helps. That works for me, but I well know that everyone is different and responds to stress in different ways.

- Erulisse (one L)

[shirebound]

*warming hugs*

[marta_bee]

Likewise!

I'm doing a little better each day. It's slow going but I am seeing improvement. I hope you're doing better and giving Pip lots of belly-rubs or whatever brings you comfort.

[shirebound]

Thank you. Sweet Pip is rather fragile these days, so giving her lots of loves and rubbies makes us both feel better.

[cairistiona]

It's not stupid at all to be concerned about your kid--I think it's just part of parenthood. I still worry about Dink, though it's not over the same things as I did when she was a child and then a teen. What's that old saying, having a child is forever having your heart walk outside your body? I probably butchered the saying, but the truth is there. *hugs* I'll keep a good thought that exams go well.

[marta_bee]

Now you have me trying to define my relationship with her and concerned I'm overstating it; but when I stop and think about it the natural assumption people make with that name "the Kid" is actually pretty near the mark.

The Kid was a neighbor's child when I first moved into the Bronx. She was maybe six when I first met her, kind of became my adopted New York family. When she got old enough not to need day care she came and hung out in my apartment so there was an adult around. (I was a grad student and mostly working out of my apartment when I wasn't teaching.) I was the emergency contact with her school and picked her up most days from down the street. Her mom was a single mother and an immigrant so not much family around, and while I hesitate to claim the concept, there was a heck of a lot of co-parenting going on, emotionally and practically speaking.

So take that for what you will. Not biologically the parent, not even legally in a step-parent or guardian sense, but all the other words I can think of do feel like they come up short. It's been, what, seventeen years now I've been in their lives. To me she's just The Kid, and I love her (them both, really) to bits.

The Kid's American born, her mom's a long-term legal resident. They're both Muslim and brown-skinned and speak with pretty heavy accents, so these days there's a lot about all the hatred and other-ing in the air that just hits really close to home in a way I've never had to deal with.

As for studies, she's always been a really driven student and quite a geek (that old nature/nurture question, eh?), and I think it's a good distraction for her. She likes her courses, she's good at them, and I'm all for her throwing herself into them as a way of avoiding things she can't control. But she's also angry and stressed and not sleeping well, so even that's hard. We're trying.

Probably more insight into Marta-land than you expected. Thanks for keeping her in your thoughts, though. She likes hearing that people she's never met are rooting for her.

[hhimring]

Definitely rooting both for you and The Kid!
Take good care of yourselves, both of you!

[marta_bee]

Thank you!

Speaking for myself, I'm doing a little better. Still struggling a bit, but less time where I'm mentally checked out. I'm taking it easy and trying to do something nice for myself each day. So... not great by any stretch, but at least small regular steps in the right direction? All and all, I'll take it.