Marta's Mathoms

I've got next to nothing to report, but I wanted to check in with you all, all the same. It does me good to at least pop in.

I bought plane tickets to London for October to go see the Kid, along with trip insurance. I'm not 100% sure if I'll go or not. I could give all sorts of practical reasons for why I'm reluctant, and there are some things making October not the greatest time, but really, it's hard to want to leave America just to come back these days. I think I'd really struggle emotionally with that part of it.

I'm much more political than I can remember ever being. It makes sense in a lot of ways; but it's draining. I've started volunteering with a second group, and also taking the time to do a kind of news roundup every day on Tumblr. I'll admit I'm struggling finding the balance and wish I didn't have to give so much time and effort to it, but it feels like now's not the time to lean out, at least for me. Not trying to get into specifics, because I recognize not everyone wants to think about that so much, but in the "what I've been up to" these days it ranks pretty high.

Things are at least settling down again after my grandmom's funeral. Mainly I'm just tired and an extra bit stressed.

Peeta continues to be a menace, and I'm beginning to think I may not be her forever home. Technically, I'm still fostering so I can return her and ask to try another (the group says they'll take her back and they're no-kill). She's sweet sometimes, especially later in the afternoon, but in the morning she beats up on me a lot. It's probably just looking for attention and wanting to play, and I've tried several things to redirect her aggression, but none of it's really worked. I've given myself another two weeks to make a firm decision but at this point it feels more like working up to admit defeat. I hate feeling like I've failed her, which I do, but cats live a long time and I need to be rational about it. It may be better, too, if she needs a home with more activity than I can provide. But it still breaks my heart a bit.

That seems to be the theme. I'm dealing okay with everything going on these days, but it really is a lot.

New Peeta pic below the cut. You'd think with a face like that she wouldn't be any trouble at all, but you would be mistaken.

I did see F1 this weekend, which was a lot of fun. I don't get the ins and outs of racing strategy, but the characters were interesting.

I hope you're all doing okay and weathering the heat okay. With all the complaining, I am glad to have AC like never before.

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The Kid and her mom are officially airborne. I'm glad for them but feeling very sad for myself. It's weird how living a flight away but with them in a US city feels so different from them being in Europe. We can still chat and talk and visit. But the distance feels so much more real.

I'm planning to visit them in October, but that's another thing that's been weighing on me. Maybe I pay too much attention to the news. I'm, like, 97% sure it won't be a problem, but you hear such stories about people going through customs these days. I also have dual citizenship and have traveled quite a lot between Germany and the US (though not recently), so I'd be concerned I stick out more than most. So there's this worry it might not be quite safe to go over and expect to come back. Probably it would be fine, but the worry is there and the fact that I even have to worry about it is upsetting.

Anywho. Nicer news. Peeta is settling in more and doing better about not jumping on my bed at night. It's not perfect but we're making progress. She'll never be a snuggler, but she likes to nap on the ottoman near my feet, which feels like kitty-affection. I've also been piddling along with the Silmarillion again, and am endlessly amused by how hard the Valar had to work to get the Elves over to Valinor. The latest instance is Ulmo having to stop moving Tol Eressea because the Teleri got sad about leaving Middle-earth. (Though you get the feeling he didn't need much convincing.) It really was like herding cats, wasn't it? (Again with the cats.)

And I did discover two essay collections on "Theology & Tolkien" (Vol 1 & Vol 2). They're so expensive, but I may put a request in at my library. Even just browsing the topics was fascinating.

I'm thinking about volunteering as a beta reader for Holmestice. I feel so undependable lately, I'd hate to commit myself and not be up to it. But maybe a little committing-to would help.

So that's the news from Lake Wobegone on this fine Thursday afternoon. Hope you all are doing well.

ETA: new Peeta pic, below the cut. She is almost gentle when just waking up from a nap, as are we all.

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The biggest news of the last few weeks is, the Kid's mum had her visa cancelled and they're speeding up plans to go back to Skopje. Her school's working with her so she can do her final exams remotely once she's settled there, so she and her mum can travel together.

Practically speaking, it's not such a huge change, it's just moving now rather than in August. And it's not like she's done with school. But it means she won't get to do the graduation ceremony, she won't have those last weeks with her friend around graduation, she won't have one last summer in her city. And I'm very, very angry. Trying hard not to be because that only hurts me, but with middling success at best.

Other than that, I've been spending more time reading the news than any of us probably should. And I've been reading the Federalist Papers and, of all things, the Harry Potter books. It's nicely nostalgic. That and settling in with Peeta. She's a bit of a meanie-butt and she plays hard enough at night, I'm not getting as much sleep as I'd like. But she's a good girl at heart and gives a good cuddle when I need it most. She's gotten more and more comfortable around me, and the night I learned about the Kid, she actually settled right by my shoulder for the first time.

I'm trying my best to have a life outside all the "interesting times." Sometimes I've even managing it. And if it's only a "sometimes" kind of thing, that still feels like an accomplishment.

I am trying to check on you all every now and then. Hope you're all doing well and enjoying the spring weather as it warms up. Stay well!

The Kid got offered funding at not one but two MSc programs: at University College-London and University of Edinburgh. According to her Edinburgh is the better match with her research interests, but I think that mainly means one of her current profs knows someone there he's connected her with. I'd choose London just for the chance to live in a bigger city and network with more people, and she's promised to email with the UC-London profs and discuss it with her current professor. But there really is no bad choice here. Her mum's also landed a job, though in Skopje (it's where her mum was born, and she still has family there). Them living so far apart will be a big change. But it's good opportunities for both of them.

I'll admit, I'm upset they're moving so far away, and mostly why they have to. But an airplane flight to London or even Edinburgh isn't that much harder than to Boston. We'll make it work. Mostly I'm trying to be excited for her, and proud, and not think about the rest. The pride comes easy. This is actually a really big accomplishment, and a huge weight off everyone's shoulders.

Very sadly, we had to let Bilbo pass away last night. Thank you to everyone who supported me this last week, and who enjoyed her stories and pictures. Knowing she left her paw-print on my world in her short time in it does help; and feeling surrounded myself helps more.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

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The weatherman is promising some of that white stuff the rest of the country has had dumped on it. It should be interesting since they haven't gotten snow here in several years, which may mean they don't know how to handle it. I'm just hoping our power doesn't go out, which seemed to happen with all the major non-winter storms we've been hit with. But the cupboard is well stocked and I haven't gone out in nearly a week anyway.

The fires out in LA look... intense is the only word for it. Horrific. I don't think I know anyone out there, but I can only imagine how hard that would have to be.

Weather is supposed to be the stuff of small talk. This doesn't feel so small. :-$

In more fannish news, I really enjoyed Threads of Song, a one-shot about Galadriel, Celebrian, and Arwen learning the art of weaving. It was just beautifully told and constructed. Well worth a read if you enjoy those characters.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope you're all doing well and looking forward to fun with family and friends if you celebrate it, or perhaps just some time off if you don't.

Tomorrow will be a low key day. I do have some treats baked, including some Rolo-pretzel snacks that let me mush down gently after half-melting the chocolates in the oven. Which was nice. The big plans are I'm going up to Boston next week to visit Le Kid.

I'm really pleased with how I'm doing, politically, even compared to a week ago. I'm still definitely obsessing over it, but it's as much about things on the margins as the actual events. Like, Trump is making noise about trying to seize back the Panama canal, which is stupid and not even a legal option, but instead of getting swept up in all that I did a deep dive into the Wikipedia page on the history of the canal. And there's some fascinating but ethically questionable history of how we supported an uprising to help Panama break away from Columbia so they'd let us build it (Columbia was really resisting over national sovereignty). Apparently "nation-building" in Central America wasn't just a Reagan-era thing.

That's what I'm proud of: that instead of just getting angry or depressed, I'm at least channeling those emotions into curiosity about something I can learn about. Sometimes. Other times it's still a struggle, but baby steps. I've also been meditating, and trying my hand at praying for our politicians. Which logically I don't believe in intercessory prayer (I'll spare you all the rant), but psychologically it helps to focus on wishing good things for them.

Enough about that. I've been reading a Good Omens fanfic about Crowley and Aziraphale at the Nativity, which is really well written and teases at my heterodox side really nicely. Also, because I'm a nerd, I started reading the Federalist Papers on a whim and I'm six essays in.

Tonight I'm going to church then light-seeing with my sister. Then I'll probably come back and watch the Call the Midwife holiday specials. I think I'm up to the South Africa one.

Happy & Merry, etc., and I hope you all have a lovely break.

I'm seriously considering getting back into therapy, which I haven't done in years. Probably I'll hold off until after the new year for financial/insurance reasons but after that, between supporting the Kid and just generally feeling like my country is sliding away from what I recognize (and yes, I do see that feeling's probably more extreme in my head than what it's really like objectively!), I feel like I need some help getting things back in control.

It does seem a bit stupid to go into therapy for losing an election! I'm telling myself it's the cause but not necessarily the whole situation.

Thanksgiving was fine. Did the family dinner and stayed overnight with my grandma, then came back and cuddled the cat. I did an Angel Tree card for a low-income kid asking for HP collectibles and some books and warm-weather clothes, which was nice. Also bought some pants off Old Navy for myself while they were on sale. I watched Knives Out, which amuses me it feels like a Thanksgiving movie what with the family drama and the homicide and all. But it really does. Also some old "Call the Midwife" episodes.

Also, for any fellow Sherlock Holmes fans, Holmestice has started posting their winter exchange entries. Do check it out.

I do hope all my fellow Americans had a nice weekend!