Marta's Mathoms

I'm back from the funeral. Mostly I'm exhausted and angry, primarily about an arcane theological thing. My grandmum was very speciic about her funera plans, and they centered on a Catholic eucharistic mass. About half her family, mine included, aren't practicing Catholic so can't take communion. There are ways to structure things to downplay the eucharist things, like you could have a memorial without a eucharist or have the priest invite non-Catholics to come up for a blessing, say. She didn't do that and the impact was most of the family in atteendance couldn't participate.

Which was very excluding and pulled up a lot of old pain: she wanted her whole family to be Catholic, very much so, to the point I always felt like all the hard and serious work I've done to make my peace with God was just discounted and not taken seriously because I don't don the right label. Which is bizarre because, with everything I've gone through with religion and life generally, it's a minor miracle (if you'll pardon the pun) I've not gone full atheist.

I don't doubt I'm reading into this in a big way. Funerals have a way of opening up old wounds, and there are some things I'd rather do most anything than think about those parts of our relationship. I wish I could think less generally, just now.

Anyway. Long day. I'm sure things will seem less sharp-edged in a few days, or even once I've slept in my own bed. Thanks for all the sympathy, and the space to think out loud. It really is hugely appreciated.

My grandmother died over the weekend. It still feels very ureal. I'm not particularly upset, just feeling a bit disjointed and out of sync with normal time somehow. But basically okay.

I did write a ficlet today, about a last meeting between Rory Brandybuck and old Bilbo at the long-expected party. You know, growing old vs. not, saying goodbye vs. not, all that kind of thing. I can't quite decide if it's just therapy by another name or if it's something I want to turn into a properly edited and published story. There's no rush on that. Mostly it feels good to have written again. I do wish I still was able to do that under normal circumstances.

That's the news from around here. I hope you all have a good week.

Three somewhat-big stories of the real-life variety.

First, my grandmom needs full-time care. She's my last grandparent and well over 100, still pretty sharp mentally but definitely physically frail. I'm sure the assessment is correct. It's still hard to hear. Especially when they throw around the "h" word (hospice), which again, I know doesn't mean she's on death's door these days but is still hard to hear. Even harder: people comforting me saying they fully expect her to be around for her birthday next month. She was supposed to live forever!

Second, we're the proud owner of a shiny new toilet in La Casa de Marta, and not of the porcelain variety. Peeta had a few instances where she pooped on the mat right in front of the littler box, which was one of those high-rimmed types meant to keep the litter in. She was also pooping right at the entry way, so I thought it was too narrow for her to get all the way in and turn around (she's larger than Bilbo ever was). So I invested in a much bigger, lower pan she could enter in more than one place, new mat that had not a whiff of stinky, and enough litter to fill it. Plus some new pouncy toys because I'm a soft touch. )Kitties are surprisingly expensive for ten pounds of hiss and vinegar!) No more mat-poops yet so here's hoping.

The good news is she's much more talkative and we're finally setting some "No!" boundaries. The trick is crawling into her little kitty-noggin and understanding why some ways of doing things are really quite unacceptably tempting. What a strange place to be.

Finally, there's a work thing, not even a bad thing, but I did lose access to a certain database. Logistically, it's the right call. But how will I cope without my blessed resource? (I will, I don't need it, but durn it that was my emotional support database.) It really does feel like the end of an era. Possibly I'm more emotional about my grandmom than I'm admitting to myself. It's definitely leaving me feeling off-balance, though.

Here's hoping you are all enjoying some summer fun or otherwise have good things going on.

The Kid is more or less through school. Most of her professors ended up exempting her from her final exam and will just grade her on her coursework. For her senior thesis, she showed her professor her data and defended her conclusions, but still has to finish off the actual paper. And she still has to translate something in lieu of an exam for her French course. But mostly her profs had been working with her for years so weren't too tied up on formalities when she'd been doing good work all semester. A few i's to dot and t's to cross, but we're close enough to call it.

I'm proud of her. Proud of me and her mum, too. We got her through her BS too which is no small thing. Wish I was there, but we're planning a Zoom celebration tomorrow afternoon.

In other news, Peeta is being a bit difficult. She's zooming hard in the wee hours and it's making it hard to sleep because she runs on the bed and over me as easily as anywhere else. Last night I tried to shut my door but, clever little lady, she was able to reach up and move the door-handle. I locked it, but she scratched at it until I let her in. She doesn't mean badly, but I'm worried if I can't get more sleep I'll have to give her up. I do love her and hate the thought of that, but I'm definitely a bit frayed at the edges at this point. I'll try a bit longer before I give up, though.

Happy weekend to everyone.

The biggest news of the last few weeks is, the Kid's mum had her visa cancelled and they're speeding up plans to go back to Skopje. Her school's working with her so she can do her final exams remotely once she's settled there, so she and her mum can travel together.

Practically speaking, it's not such a huge change, it's just moving now rather than in August. And it's not like she's done with school. But it means she won't get to do the graduation ceremony, she won't have those last weeks with her friend around graduation, she won't have one last summer in her city. And I'm very, very angry. Trying hard not to be because that only hurts me, but with middling success at best.

Other than that, I've been spending more time reading the news than any of us probably should. And I've been reading the Federalist Papers and, of all things, the Harry Potter books. It's nicely nostalgic. That and settling in with Peeta. She's a bit of a meanie-butt and she plays hard enough at night, I'm not getting as much sleep as I'd like. But she's a good girl at heart and gives a good cuddle when I need it most. She's gotten more and more comfortable around me, and the night I learned about the Kid, she actually settled right by my shoulder for the first time.

I'm trying my best to have a life outside all the "interesting times." Sometimes I've even managing it. And if it's only a "sometimes" kind of thing, that still feels like an accomplishment.

I am trying to check on you all every now and then. Hope you're all doing well and enjoying the spring weather as it warms up. Stay well!

My pet insurance finally agreed to pay their share of Bilbo's hospitalization costs. They weren't denying it, just taking a long time to decide on it. Long for me - I was anxious because it was a lot of money, and I was nervous they'd refuse; it was only a few weeks. But they kept promising a decision and then not getting back to me. I may have been obsessing a bit, understandably so but not their fault.

The main thing is I don't have to think about it any more.

Things are going okay, more or less. Sometimes I still think I see her out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes I'm a bit sad. But more and more, life's just what counts as normal these days.

I'll probably start fostering another cat soon, with the goal to adopt if we get on. She's a quiet baby and quite shy, but took a chin scritch like a champ even from a stranger and in a strange place. (That's the volunteer from the adoption group holding her, not me.)



I reread the first Harry Potter book and am working on a reread of the Silmarillion. Those first chapters have always fascinated me. Let's see if I get to the point where I have to break out my notecards, to keep the various elves straight.

Just wanted to check in. I'm hanging in there. It's been tough, but in an as-expected kind of way. Struggling to concentrate, just really easily annoyed and feeling overwhelmed and being more bothered about mildly-bad everyday things than I know they deserve, but if I wasn't feeling that way I'd actually be a little surprised.

I know I've not replied to all the comments, but I've read them all and appreciated them as they came in. I hope you're all doing as well as you can. If anyone has anything fun to enjoy, fanfic recs or just a new show or book you've particularly enjoyed, that would be appreciated. But if not, thanks for caring and being here.

( Bilbo medical details under the cut )

Mainly I wanted to share one of my favorite-ever Bilbo pictures I took today. If you don't want the medical details or the admittedly heartbreaking escapades of the day (and I don't blame anyone at all for that!), I hope you'll at least enjoy this view of my brave girl.

( Read more... )

I went in to see Bilbo yesterday. I was (probably foolishly) hoping she'd see me and want to cuddle, but she was mostly overwhelmed and hid under the bench. I think it was mostly a strange space and smells, too many people poking at her all day, and the plastic cone she has to wear because she has an IV port on her arm she shouldn't be biting at. Still, it was really hard to see. If anything, she looked worse, though that may be me being hyperaware to how thin she was.

Yesterday, the vet seemed encouraging that there were some more treatable possibilities they were investigating, though they've not ruled out the big ones. So I'm trying to trust and let them doing their job, and hope it's something we can get on the other side of. I'm keeping on the okay side of not-okay, at least.

I'm seeing from the weather much of the US is under a polar vortex and facing some really cold temps (for us). Kentucky also got hammered by rain and flooding. It looks bad out there. I do hope everyone's staying as dry and warm as possible.

If you're also on Tumblr you've seen me talk a lot about politics. I'll spare you the details. But I've also been feeling hope from some unlikely places. I've written to both my US Senators and state AG asking them to take a position on some issue, and got nice reflective responses. One of those senators is a Republican and has since publicly criticized the president for the J6 pardons. So even when I didn't agree with them on their positions, I at least feel like I've got people of substance who are representing me along with everyone else. Plus I've been volunteering with an immigrant aid group from before the election. The stories I hear would break your heart, but there's no shortage of small, practical things I can do to help, and it's nice to be connected with other volunteers. I wish I could be there with the Kid as she's going through all this, but it helps to think I'm helping others in a similar situation.

Other than that, I'm trying to find small good ways to be nice to myself. I bought a stuffed trilobite from a natural history museum's online shop. And I've been reading a little fanfic and playing with Bilbo more than normal. She's gotten very cuddly, even to a fault (if there is such a thing). My knee's more or less healed so I've been taking short walks around the apartment complex. And this isn't so much for fun, but I've been trying to read some American speeches and, like, historical political writings. So far I've done MLK's address at Spelman College and Frederick Douglass's "What is the Fourth of July to a Slave?" Historical prose is never easy to digest, but it reminds me why I like being American, which is helpful. Also I've been reading the text of Trump's executive orders. It helps to know exactly what he's saying and think it through, just in an I-am-a-philosopher-and-working-through-the-details-grounds-me kind of way. And because I'm a geek, I want to dig into the Federalist Papers one of these days.

Anywho. I really didn't come here to dump a ton of politics on me. I'm probably focused there, but it's not all doom and gloom. Here's hoping you're all finding your own bit of light these days, and if anyone would find it helpful to talk, I'm here.